I have recently seen several teens in therapy whose main complaint is that their parents don’t listen to them. Here’s some of their statements:

Every moment is a teaching moment with my mom. It drives me crazy! I can hardly get the words out before she starts correcting me.

If I’m upset, my mom ends up getting more upset than me! She cries harder than me, and then I end up trying to make her feel better.

My mom feels guilty about anything I do wrong as though it’s all her fault, so I can’t tell her anything.

My dad just tells me to get over it!

My parents are always telling me I shouldn’t feel how I feel. That’s it. I can’t talk to them at all.

These are all real statements, and I’ve heard some version of each of them many times over the years.

I can find myself in them too. Especially the “teaching moment!” I bet many of you can also.

I think the difficulty is that our listening gets mixed in with a blanket of anxiety that’s always pulling at us from underneath: Anxiety about our kids’ safety, their future, their successes, their happiness, their mistakes.

As one of my good friends once said, “To be a parent is to live in fear!” There is much truth in that.

As we listen, we start categorizing and evaluating. We play out worst case scenarios, foresee problems, and plummet into worry threads that lurk just below the surface.

So what do we do? We try to fix it! After all, we know more!

The Other Thing That Happens

The other thing that happens is that as we listen, what we hear can sometimes bring up feelings of guilt or embarrassment. We feel responsible for what our kids think, feel and do. Somehow we made this happen, and ultimately we are responsible. It reflects on us.

The truth is, we absolutely influence our kids, and to some degree, what they think, feel and do is a reflection of who we are and how we parent. But, and this is a big “but”, every child is an individual. As he grows and interacts with the world, he’s influenced by many other adults, his peers, and his experiences.

He also comes with a unique temperament that has nothing to do with us. We help him develop, love him, and guide him, but what he thinks, feels and does is not just a reflection of us. It’s the response to a wide variety of experiences and tendencies. We are a major influence, but not the only influence. Besides, there are no perfect parents just as there are no perfect children.

So when you go to listen, listen with an open mind and heart without punishing either yourself or your child. There is always room for more growth for both of you.

Now let’s talk about how to listen correctly, and when to move from listening to problem-solving, because these are two different activities with different goals.

Listening

The two main goals of listening are:

• First, to truly understand what the speaker really thinks, feels, and intends.
• Second, to make an emotional connection based on empathy that allows the speaker to be honest and feel accepted.

If you try to problem-solve before both these goals have been met, you are jumping the gun and the result will be that your teen will feel misunderstood.

She might also feel unaccepted, criticized, unloved, frustrated, or unimportant.

She might react by getting angry, or backing away and closing down.

Here’s how to listen:

Invite your teen to talk to you, about whatever she wants. If she’s bringing something to you, then turn your attention fully toward her and invite her to tell you what’s on her mind.

As she speaks, be quiet. Listen with an open mind as you would if you were listening to a friend.

When there are pauses, ask questions to help clarify if you need to, but don’t rush her. Your goal is to understand as best you can what she thinks and feels.

You are NOT to evaluate what she’s saying while you are listening.

This is hard. You will find that your mind automatically moves toward evaluating what you’re hearing, and you’ll start correcting or solving problems in your mind. When that happens, you are also responding emotionally and it shows in your facial expressions, body language, and responses.

Be an empathetic detective. You are trying to understand and connect by learning what your teen is thinking and feeling. Nothing more, nothing less, at least not at this point.

Here’s a little list of rules to help you with this:

• All feelings are okay because none of us can help what we feel or what comes up in our minds. We can decide how to respond or react to our feelings, but not what we feel.  If you accept that, then you won’t get wigged out when you hear something you don’t like. Don’t censor.
• Pay attention, but do it softly. Listen without judgment. Your goal is to understand and make your teen feel accepted and loved. This doesn’t mean you won’t have emotional reactions to what you hear, but for now, just listen and get a clear understanding of what’s being said.
• Ask questions that clarify, but be very careful not to interrogate. Repeat back what you think is said or felt.
• Separate listening from teaching, disciplining, or correcting. If something comes up that you feel needs discipline, save that for later. Put that off and allow yourself to think about it before acting.
• Do your best to put yourself in your teen’s place and feel what he feels. We’ve all been kids. Remember it.
• Be authentic, but make sure the attention is on your teen and not on you.
• Speak only to clarify or empathize.

Remember this and burn it into your mind:

When you can hear your child’s pain or suffering, and hold it for her while she talks about it, you are lending her your strength. The message you send is “I can stand these feelings and they won’t destroy me,” which tells her, “You can stand them too, and they won’t destroy you either.”

Problem-Solving

Sometimes your teen needs your input to help solve a problem.

When that’s the case, go through the process of listening until:

• You are both on the same page.
• Both understand what the problem is and how your teen feels about it.
• And both know what he needs from you.

You will know when you’ve reached this point because your teen will stop talking and either ask or tell you what he needs, or look at you with askance. If you’re not sure whether you are at this point, ask,

“Would you like me to help you figure this out?”

Get a “yes” before you go on.

To problem solve, follow these steps:

Step #1:  First, seek out your teen’s ideas about how to solve the problem.

“I’m guessing you’ve already thought about this a lot. What kinds of ideas have popped into your head about how to handle this?"

It’s always best if you can get your kids to solve their own problems, and your role is to help them work through that process. Instead of giving your solution right away, let your teen start with her ideas.

Step #2:  Help her evaluate her ideas

As she comes up with possible solutions, help her play them out and think about the outcomes of those paths. Go through pros and cons. Teach her how to evaluate and make decisions based on considering options and consequences.

Step#3: Clarify.

Play back what she tells you until you are both clear on what the possible solutions are. 

Step #4: Add your input.

When you feel that your teen has exhausted all of her options, and you have more to offer, then offer that now. Help her examine the ideas you throw out in the same way she’s already examined hers.

If you’ve had an experience that is similar, it is sometimes helpful to talk about that as long as you don’t get long-winded.

Kids are usually comforted by knowing that their parents have struggled with some of the same things they struggle with.

Step #5: Make a choice.

Help her choose the best solution and let her know you’re with her. Set up a time to follow-up later, or at least make the offer to follow-up.

Two Big Benefits

Listening Benefits

Listening without jumping to problem-solving has the wonderful effect of increasing your teen’s self-awareness. By acting as a sounding board, and giving him free rein to express himself out loud, you are helping him to learn more about himself. The other added benefits to this one are:

• By offering a soothing ear, you are teaching him how to soothe himself.
• You are also encouraging him to seek help when he’s having problems rather than trying to solve everything alone.
• You are increasing his emotional intelligence by showing empathy toward him.
• You are letting him know that problems are normal and something to be worked out, not avoided or suppressed.

Problem-Solving Benefits

Taking your kids through the process of problem-solving teaches them:

• To stretch their minds and brainstorm many possible solutions rather than feel there is only one way to go.
• How to evaluate solutions by playing them out and imagining consequences and effects.
• Develop discriminitive thinking.

In short, you are helping to expand and encourage the development of what’s called executive function. Very simply,

Executive function is our ability to hold several ideas in our mind at the same time, look at them objectively, evaluate them, and then make a well-thought out decision that integrates both our cognition and emotions.

This is a very necessary skill for living, and I’m sure you know many adults who haven’t learned how to do this yet. It holds us back if we don’t.

Bottom Line

When you tackle problem-solving AFTER you have validated and accepted your teen’s feelings by listening attentively, he will be much more willing to hear your input because he will feel that you are working with him instead of taking control and telling him what to do. This validates his worth, shows that you respect him and think he’s capable , and increases your mutual trust in each other.

By the way, you can begin this method of listening and problem-solving early in childhood so that by the time you get to adolescence, your teen will already know you can listen and hear him. Works with adults too!
 

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