The Why

Negotiation is a valuable tool to use with your kids because helps them develop some important skills. Most notable are:

• Increased capacity to express thoughts and feelings verbally
• Enhanced ability to think objectively and discriminatively
• Skills in cooperative problem-solving
• Self-awareness
• Consideration of other’s needs as well as their own
• Coming up with creative solutions

What About a Parent’s Authority?

Some parents feel that negotiation is not a good idea because it dilutes their authority, and sends the message that their kids can argue with them or challenge them at every turn.

If negotiation is done properly, meaning in the right situations, and age-appropriately, it will not be a challenge to your rules or final word in decision making.

There is a big difference between negotiation and arguing which I’ll get to a little later.

For now, let’s look at the basic procedure for negotiating, and then discuss what’s appropriate in terms of age.

The Negotiation Process

Most of us think of negotiation as a process whereby we start out on opposite sides, and each begin to make concessions as we move toward a middle ground we can both agree upon.

Concessions → We both have to give up something.

I think a better view of negotiation is to consider what each person needs or wants, and then figure out how to make that happen.

This way, the outcome is a win-win rather than each person feeling they had to give in or lose something.

Win-Win → We both get what we need/want.

How can you get what you need and I get what I need, and both of those things work together?

With that as the basis of the process, here’s how to proceed:

#1 Set the rules.

The rules are:

• The parent’s decision is final and must be accepted, even if there is disappointment.
• Both of you will be respectful during the negotiation.
• Emotions can and should be expressed, but without attitude or hostility.
• No personal attacks allowed.
• No interrupting while each person speaks.

#2 Listen.

Say to your child/teen:

Tell me what you think, and how you feel about it. What do you need or want?

• Be quiet while your child speaks, and be receptive to listening objectively.
• Do not evaluate what you’re hearing until he is finished.
• Don’t interrupt or speak except to clarify.

This step is strictly for you to understand what he wants or needs, and what his thoughts and feelings are about it.

Repeat back to him what you think he’s said so that he knows you understand what he’s requesting or needs from you, and why he wants it.

#3 Respond with your needs.

Now voice your concerns and state what you need.

Include your thoughts and feelings.

What would you need in order to come to an agreement?

What issues are in the way that need to be addressed or resolved so that you can say yes?

If he wants to go to a party at a friend’s house Saturday night, you may need to speak with the parents who will be chaperoning that party before you feel comfortable with it.

#4 Get more information and/or brainstorm.

If more information is needed to make a decision, then clarify what else you need to know, and make assignments to get that info. What part does he need to do and what part do you need to do?

Brainstorm possible alternatives, or ideas that will make the situation work for you both.

#5 Come up with a decision or alternative.

When you have all the information, and you both can agree on a decision that satisfies each of you, then complete the negotiation.

If you need more time to think about it, or maybe want to run it by your spouse or partner first, then put it off until you can do that and set up a time to come back to it.

Here’s a Scenario

The Situation:

Your 14-year-old son wants his best friend to spend the night (it’s Friday night). You’re super tired. You’ve had a rough week, and you’ve been looking forward to vegging in front of the TV, eating take-out, and sleeping in on Saturday. Your husband is out of town, and you want to take advantage of some alone time.

Listen:

You listen to his enthusiastic desire to have his friend over. They’ve been plotting it all week at school, and your son has already come up with plans of what they are going to do. He is very excited and really wants this to happen.

Respond:

You respond with empathy. You understand the desire, and you like his friend, so that’s not a problem. The problem for you is that they get loud, take over the house, need to be fed, stay up late, and all of this will put a rather large damper on your small window of time to really relax, which you need! You voice your dilemma.

Brainstorm:

• What about Saturday night instead of Friday?
• Get take-out food or order in so that no cooking or grocery shopping is involved.
• The boys can stay in your son’s room for the evening, and keep their noise level low. They have video games they want to play and can do it there.
• Bedtime is no later than 1AM, and after 10, it must be very quiet. You don’t want to hear more than a muffled murmur.
• They sleep in so that’s not a problem.

The Decision:

It turns out that Saturday night is not an option because the friend’s parents have other plans that night that include their son. You decide Friday is all right with these requirements:

• Your son brings his friend over prior to spending the night and all of rules are discussed and agreed upon ahead of time by everyone.
• The menu for take-out pizza is located prior to Friday night, and the money is supplied so that your son can order himself when the time comes.
• There is an agreement that bedtime will be 1AM meaning lights out. They keep their voices down, especially after 10PM.
• The boys will stay in your son’s room except for getting the pizza and drinks, and using the bathroom.

He’s happy, you’re happy. It’s a win-win!

It’s Not Always That Easy

Sometimes the requests are simply not doable, or not safe, or not possible. In those cases, parents have to make decisions that are met with disappointment. This is necessary, as we are responsible for our kids’ safety and well-being.

The key is to give your kids a voice when it is appropriate, and to listen and understand their feelings, opinions, thoughts, and desires, even when you sometimes cannot go along with the request. You can explain your reasons in those cases which ultimately shows you care and love them.

Now let’s take a quick look at age considerations when engaging in negotiation with kids.

Toddler through Kindergarten

Negotiation requires a certain amount of cognitive development and mind-strength. Kids ages 2 or 3 up to around 6 are very emotionally driven. They are developing cognitively, but the primary development during this period is emotional.

That being the case, there isn’t a lot of room for negotiation. Kids this age need structure so they can go through the major developmental phases of separation-individuation, object constancy, and gender identification.

In short, they are developing a basic sense of self meaning they are a separate physical being (1 to 3 ½), they know which sex they are (4 and 5), and when away from the primary parent, they can feel secure and maintain their attachment (by age 3 ½ to 4).

Negotiation during this stage should be offered more as small choices.

What socks would you like to wear today? Would you rather play inside or outside? Would you like a banana or an apple?

Making choices assists with the individuation process because it helps children get a sense of their own power and preferences, and increases their autonomy.

You can offer negotiation as something already decided such as:

How about you play with your legos while I get dinner ready?

If you have a cooperative child who can self-entertain, this is a good way to introduce negotiation that is win-win.

If you have a child that is not likely to agree with this kind of negotiation, or stick with it more than several minutes, then you would not want to phrase it as a question.

In that case, you would just state what is needed and expected.

I need to get dinner ready, and I would like for you to play for the next 30 minutes by yourself. You can play in the living room where you can see me, but you must play until the timer dings!

That is what I would call pre-negotiation. You are priming her for negotiation when she is older.

For this age period, I would advise choices primarily.

I also think it is wise not to get into the habit of explaining the why’s of everything you tell your kids to do.

What they need is your strength at this age, which means structure with love. Not a lot of explanations or requests. Offer limited choices; enough to help them feel some autonomy, but not so many that it is burdensome.

School-Aged Kids 6 to 11

Around the age of 8, kids’ brains undergo one of those big cognitive leaps. Their powers of observation and discriminative thinking are greatly increased.

During the earlier years, they mostly define what’s real and true according to what their parents tell them. At the age of 7 to 8, they begin to see gray areas. For example, contrary to what parents have said, they may see that sometimes a child lies and appears to get away with it. Or they may find that things are not always fair. This is why they begin testing rules.

In addition, memory increases during this period. An 8 year old can pull up the rule that applies to a situation and remember what she’s supposed to do.

With greater cognition and memory, negotiation is more likely to be an effective tool.

The key is to use the process we’ve outlined above, and to pick and choose those situations where negotiation is beneficial to your child’s growing cognitive skills. You as the parent can make that distinction.

What you don’t want is for arguing to get confused with negotiation. Negotiation occurs when both parties agree it would be helpful to resolve a dilemma that needs a resolution.

Arguing with a parent and wearing them down until they give in is not negotiation. It is harassment! Don’t allow yourself to be harassed by your child! You decide when negotiation is an option.

Arguing is manipulative. Negotiation is cooperative.

Negotiation and Teens

This is the age when negotiation is most helpful.

Teens are working on the second round of separation-individuation that began during toddlerhood. They are trying out identities, refining their moral values, working with abstract thinking and increased objectivity, exploring ideas, and establishing themselves within the peer group.

Negotiation helps to develop their voice, their ideas, their consideration of consequences to chosen paths, empathy, give and take, problem solving skills, and confidence.

Negotiation also promotes attentive, empathetic listening which is almost more important at this phase of development than the actual outcomes of the negotiation.

Teens want to be heard! They also want to be understood, even if you don’t agree with everything they think or say.

By really listening, you will establish a connection that will enable you to help them mature and refine their self-awareness.

Part of your job is to help them learn to think more like an adult. There are too big parts to this:

• Thinking for yourself based on insight and awareness
• Taking responsibility for what you think, do, and say

Most teens are happy with the “thinking for yourself” part.

It’s the insight, awareness, and taking responsibility that doesn’t come so easily, and that’s the part we need to help them address and struggle through.

Negotiation requires evaluation of your needs and wants, and helps foster insight and self-awareness.

It also enforces taking responsibility because it requires evaluating consequences and outcomes of chosen desires and actions. It’s a great way to increase discriminative and objective thinking which is something many teens don’t learn until much later in life, if at all.

The Big Value

Think of negotiation as a great tool for developing important skills in communication and cooperation. Remember that as the parent, you have control over when it is used and under what circumstances.

What I think you will find is that as you participate in negotiation with your child, and especially with your teen, you will receive increased respect, cooperation and connection. Everyone wants their voice to be heard, even a 7-year-old child.

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